How To Tell When A Marriage Is In Trouble #MarriageCounseling

Divorce is a fairly common reality in the U.S. While the most-often cited statistic is that 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce, current estimates are that the number is actually in the range of 42 to 45.

That’s still a very large number of divorces and it’s a figure that is growing even higher among those aged 55 to 64 where divorce rates have quadrupled over the past three decades.

One would think that it’s fairly easy to spot when a marriage is in trouble, but, in fact, marriage problems often tend to grow slowly over time rather than suddenly seeming to burst out of nowhere. It’s important to be aware of the potential problems facing any marriage, since early intervention and the seeking of assistance can often help avoid divorce as a final outcome.

While there will always be small trouble spots and disagreements in even the best of relationships, it’s when the disagreements become almost constant that there are real problems underlying the marriage.

One sign that serious troubles are brewing is when one partner feels he or she is giving more than is being received over an extended period of time.  It can be a job, outside family, the children or any of numerous other issues that has one partner feeling he or she is unfairly carrying the bulk of the load.

When a couple is experiencing severe disagreements that are happening frequently and are coupled with an unwillingness or inability to resolve those disagreements, there’s a good chance that permanent damage is being done to the relationship.

Such problems are usually a sign that outside help, in the form of a professional counselor, is needed. While seeking assistance for marital problems doesn’t mean that every marriage will be saved, it does increase the chances of working out solutions. And in some cases that solution might mean the couple is better off being apart.

A counseling professional can facilitate communication between the couple, help them see the reality of their situation and offer techniques to help in resolving the problems being faced.  Your family clergy may be trained in marriage counseling, or you can consult a counseling professional specializing in relationship and marriage counseling. If you are looking for help and support in marriage counseling reach out to RTG-Troy today.  We have trained counselors who are here to help.

-Reprinted in full or in part with attribution to the American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.

Has The Romance Disappeared From Your Relationship? #Counseling #CouplesTherapy

To fix that problem, you might try a more organized approach for keeping the romance in a relationship, not unlike the way you probably handle your busy day at the office or managing a household. It may sound more business-like than romantic, but relationship maintenance can actually be very enjoyable.

Start with your day planner, computer calendar, or a regular old calendar. Schedule events for your relationship, just like you do meetings or appointments. Note special days beyond the usual birthday and anniversary dates. Maybe the day you first met, or the anniversary of a special vacation. Include random prompts to do something romantic at other times for no special reason.

Similarly, keep an intelligence file on your partner.  Make a list of favorite things, from wines to flowers to authors to movies.  You may be surprised to find that you don’t actually know many of his or her favorites.  Becoming familiar with things that bring him or her a smile is not only a way to stay more in tune with each other, but can make gift giving more special and meaningful.

You also want to create a regular schedule for time together. If that orthodontist or gym trainer deserves a set appointment time, why not your romantic partner? Your date night doesn’t have to be a fancy night out, just a time when the two of you can reconnect and get beyond the daily minutia that fills up so much of our lives. Setting one night every week or two weeks, and then keeping to that schedule, can do a great deal to help reenergize a relationship.

You might also try setting a regular, daily meeting time. Maybe it’s just fifteen minutes at the beginning or end of the day, but make it happen every day. Find out what your partner has been up to, what’s gone right or wrong, and what’s being planned. Planning on even a short time for communicating is an important way to stay connected with each other.

If your romantic relationship has started to feel stale and boring, realize it won’t just fix itself.  Put some thought and effort into doing things that will bring the romance back. If you need  extra help, call in a professional counselor who specialize in relationship or couples counseling. RTGTROY is here to help.  We are committed to improving your communication skills and building healthy relationships.

Giving a relationship the work and attention it deserves can pay you back with a lifetime of companionship, happiness and love.  Contact RTGTROY today for more information on how you can improve your romantic relationship.

-Reprinted in full or in part with attribution to the American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.

You Can Make Your Point Without Arguing

The reason for our frustration may be that we talk when we really ought to be acting. You’ve heard the expression, “Actions speak louder than words,” and in our personal relationships that often can be true.

For example, perhaps there’s a toddler in your house who thinks dinner time is a perfect time to play with his food rather than eat it, no matter how many times you reprimand him. Instead of constantly repeating that command to eat, try smiling at him, removing his plate, and saying calmly, “I see you’re done with your dinner.”

Will he protest? Most likely, and probably loudly. But the act of having his dinner disappear, along with your explanation of why, is likely to be more effective than simply ordering him to eat.

A similar situation might be if you have a spouse who tends to drink too much at social events. You find it embarrassing and have expressed your displeasure numerous times, all to no avail. Next time, instead of more complaining, simply take action by picking up the car keys, handing him or her ten dollars for that cab ride home, and walking out to your car and driving home.

There are numerous situations, from dealing with a parent who calls daily in order to criticize you, to a teen who refuses to heed family curfew hours, when arguing with the person doesn’t result in a change in behavior but probably does give you a headache.

Instead of more arguing, take action. Inform your mother that if she criticizes you again you’re going to hang up. Then follow through and do it if she can’t stop herself.  See how your teen reacts if instead of arguing with him or her another time, you simply inform them of your planned action (such as withholding an allowance, or cutting off their cell phone), carry it out, then make it clear they brought the action on themselves.

It’s important to take action with a positive, calm attitude. Yes, there will be protests, and yes, you will want to explain calmly what is happening and why, but the bottom line is that actions are much harder to ignore than simple words.

If you feel like taking action is too much to handle alone, or you need help making the next step, contact RTGTROY today.  We can walk you through the process.  We are committed to helping you develop healthy connections.

-Reprinted in full or in part with attribution to the American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.

Improving Relationships By Improving Communication Skills

When we stop to think about it, we all realize that good communications are vitally important in building strong, positive relationships with others. The problem is that most of us are leading such busy, often stressful lives, that we forget to really think about communicating effectively.

Good communication does require extra focus and effort. It requires understanding how we communicate and having a desire to improve.

One starting point in overcoming communication difficulties is understanding that, in most cases, men and women actually do communicate differently, according to researchers in the field. Compared to women, most men tend to talk less, are reluctant to discuss feelings, are quicker to seek solutions, interrupt more often, and are quicker to withdraw when confronted by the other person.

To improve how you communicate with others, especially with your spouse or other family members in regard to major issues, you need to get past those communication differences. There are various techniques that can help.

Simple things like making eye contact can make a real difference. You also want to use “I” statements, rather than “you” accusations which automatically will put the listener on the defensive.

It’s important to avoid words like “always” and “never” since such absolutes are virtually never true. Similarly, name calling, or being critical or sarcastic are all ways that hinder, rather than improve communication.

An essential element in communicating better   is to listen better. It’s easy to assume you know what the other person is saying and to start formulating your reply before they’re done. Instead, what you really want to do is take the time to listen carefully to what’s being expressed. It often helps to repeat what you just heard to make sure you really understand what was meant.

Most of us tend to be unaware of our body language or voice tone, but these can communicate a number of messages.  When you use a mocking tone, roll your eyes, put your hands on your hips or cross your arms, you’re actually sending a negative message.  But when you maintain eye contact, keep a positive or at least neutral expression, and really listen, you’re giving positive communication a real chance.

Poor communication is one of the major reasons couples facing problems consult with professional counselors.  Communicating well in a relationship takes practice and work, but it pays big dividends in the long run.

– Reprinted with permission (in full or part) from the American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.

Is Family Counseling Worth Considering?

We all face problems and usually tend to think that the burden of those problems is just our own. Actually, many times there may be real benefit in dealing with such problems by involving those with whom we’re the closest—our families.

Family counseling is a specialized field for professional counselors that was developed in the 1950s. Many decades of experience have shown that involving family members often leads to greater understanding, increased support and the discovery of more effective ways to treat the causes of a problem.

While professional counselors specializing in family counseling may employ a number of different approaches, they tend to have some common characteristics.  These include focusing on the family as a client rather than just seeing an individual as the one with the problem. They look at how a family operates and how it reacts to influences from within and without. They see dealing with the family as a whole as an effective way to help overcome problems and work through issues even though they may be affecting only one or two family members.

While family counseling is not the answer for every problem, it has been very effective in dealing with several long-term, serious issues. A family member suffering from addiction, an eating disorder or severe depression, for example, are cases where family counseling often yields positive results.  Other issues, such as gender identity, may also be understood better if all family members are aware and supportive.

Professional counselors in the field of family counseling work in a variety of ways depending on their educational background and the situation being presented.  It can be important to discuss your counselor’s approach and methods before beginning the process of treatment.

You also want to approach such counseling with the right understanding. Seeking to change someone else is usually not productive, but looking for ways you can change yourself in regard to family matters usually is.

Family counseling is usually as effective as individual counseling when the family is willing to seek help as a group. Your local mental health center, an online search, or the American Counseling Association  website at http://www.counseling.org(click the “Find A Counselor” tab at the top) can help locate professional family counselors in your area who can help break down barriers in communication and intimacy and assist you in finding more productive ways to operate as a family.

  (Reprinted from the American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog)

Your Family, Your Team

Many of us have been watching the Olympics lately and enjoying the athletic contest in action.  For so many of those athletes, the dream of reaching the Olympic stage could never have been achieved without the help of their teammates along the way.  Families are a lot like teams.  At the core of both you will find, in order to be successful, you must have open and candid communication.  You have to share the tactical plan.  An athlete cannot perform without access to the playbook.  Cheer on your team!  Root for your family!

“Precision of communication is important, more important than ever, in our era of hair-trigger balances, when a false, or misunderstood word may create as much disaster as a sudden thoughtless act.” – James Thurber