Sometimes It’s Good To Say “No” #Counseling #Therapy #Assertiveness

Most of us, most of the time, want to be nice, to do what is asked and to please those asking for our help. We usually try to be accommodating at work, with our friends, and with our family members.

But sometimes, rather than replying, “Sure,” when asked to do an inconvenient favor, or to take on a task beyond our abilities, it may make better sense to say, “No.”

It can often be difficult to just utter that simple “no.” We like to look responsible, helpful and capable. However, the reality is that saying “yes” to virtually every request can produce a variety of negative results.

Research has shown that the more difficulty someone has in saying “no,” the more the person is likely to experience stress, burnout and possibly even depression.  Difficult requests are highly likely to make you feel frustrated or anxious, or even mad at yourself for saying yes in the first place.

The key to saying no is to do it in a respectful and courteous manner.  It starts with understanding what your own boundaries are, and not being embarrassed to accept and follow those boundaries. When you see that a request is going to push you into a zone where you’ll feel uncomfortable or not fully competent, it’s important to make your feelings, and decision, clearly known.

Responding to a request with phrases like, “Gee, I’m not certain I can,” makes it clear that you are not being straightforward about your decision. That’s also true when your immediate response is to start apologizing or making excuses and explanations for why you can’t do what’s being requested.

Instead, first make sure that saying “no” is really the only alternative. Politely let the person know you would like to help, but first ask questions to clarify what is really needed. Perhaps there is a way that you can help that wasn’t evident when your aid was initially requested. But if it turns out that no really is the only right answer, then state your decision clearly. Let the person know you’re sorry you can’t help, but that it just wouldn’t work.

While we all want to be helpful, it’s important to recognize your own limitations, interests and capabilities. Stepping too far outside those comfort zones will leave you feeling anxious and frustrated, and probably won’t be the best help available.

If you have trouble with your “no” or with dealing with overwhelming anxiety or stress contact RTG-Troy today for more tips on how to bring your life into balance.  We are committed to helping our clients find successful communication.

-Reprinted in full or in part with attribution to the American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.

Avoid Traps and Drama with Defined Boundaries #Counseling #Relationships #Boundaries

Life can be full of traps. Sometimes this is never more apparent than in our relationships with others. Often the biggest traps that we can fall into, at one time or another, is getting stuck in unnecessary drama.

You know what I mean. The friend who has good attributes, but always manages to trigger an argument whenever you’re together; the coworker who seems to only want to talk about your mutual colleagues and everything they are doing wrong; your fragile friend whose feelings get wounded no matter what you do or say; or that person who you’re always saving from various troubles that seem to follow them wherever they go.

Getting bogged down by this kind of drama can be demotivating. Issues like this can zap your energy. Left alone, these relationships will end badly. Fortunately, most drama is avoidable by laying down solid boundaries.

Boundaries are like invisible property lines separating everything that is yours from everything that is not yours. Personal boundaries allow you to have ownership over your own thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions, while freeing you from being responsible for anyone else’s. Virtually everyone sets some form of boundaries without thinking about it, but when we consciously define our boundaries, we gain a huge degree of control over our happiness, comfort and the quality of our relationships.

Be Direct

Dramatic people tend to believe whatever they’re going through is more important than anything anyone else has going on in their life. There’s a reality distortion around people like this and the only way to break through is to be direct. Tell them that you don’t feel they show up in your life the same way that you show up for them. Tell them that you rely on their support. Being direct is a proactive step and will free you from regularly ‘reacting’ to the other person. If they care about the relationship, they’ll make an effort.

Be aware that this is a pattern for the other person, and in order to really change this dynamic, you may have to remind them. This is a boundary that defines you as equals in your relationship.

Be A Leader

Be in charge of the conversation or the activity. This doesn’t mean dominating the conversation, it means taking responsibility for where you’re going to wind up. You get what you allow. If gossiping makes you feel uncomfortable, then lead the conversation somewhere else. If someone only ever wants to hang out in loud bars, and winds up losing control, suggest an alternative. The boundary between being a leader or a follower will either define you as someone who is in control of how you feel, or as someone who lets others control how you feel.

Be Positive

There is a natural boundary between positivity and negativity, you must enforce it. When someone comes to you with nothing but negativity, be a force of relentless positivity. Sometimes this means shining a light on the good sides of a situation they are blinded to because of their negative mindset. Other times this may mean switching the topic of conversation to something lighter or more worthwhile.  Emotionally intelligent people recognize the difference between someone opening up their heart and sharing something when they need support, and letting someone simply spout off useless negativity. Drama is never positive and never fixes anything.

Be Brave

Don’t let the fear of hurting someone else’s feelings prevents you from doing things that might otherwise be the healthier choice. It takes a certain kind of bravery to cut someone out of your life. Bravery exists on one side of a boundary between action and passivity.

Much in the same way you must prune plants to shape and encourage their growth, sometimes you must make productive pruning a part of your own life. If you’ve taken the steps to try to shape a relationship with someone close to you, and yet the drama persists, it may be time to let go of that relationship until that person can function at the same level of maturity you need your close relationships to reflect.

Just about everyone will tell you that they hate drama, even people who are constantly living in it. If you really do want to seriously limit the drama in your life, all you have to do is set boundaries. You don’t have to tolerate drama in your life. Set a boundary around your time and energy and fill your heart with the desires that are pleasing to you. For more help understanding boundaries and how to deal with toxic relationships, contact RTGTROY today.